I feel quite sure that the God’s are laughing right now. There is a cosmic joke and I am at the centre of it. Thankfully I have some levity around the subject as well, no matter how painful the journey to get to this point.
I am maintained that the four really sticky lessons for every human is money, sex, health and relationships. All of us have the one or two trouble areas from these four, and one or two that we are pretty clean about. Most people I have met have one of these that is a real biggie…the one aspect that seems to be a constant place of learning through a lifetime. Two of these we have agreed by silent consent are open to being discussed, and the other two are like some dirty secret that no one must talk about in public. Ever. Or if they do, only if they are a stand up comedian or they wrap it in humor.
My health is outrageously good, through a combination of fabulous gene’s (thank you mum and dad) and placing health as my number one value. It was not always like this, and for the first part of my life my health was the area that I struggled with. Borderline anorexic, I lived for 17 years with a constant inner story about my body and my weight. Not a minute of a hour of my waking day would go by when I would not think about food, my body, my weight, what I would eat, what I would not eat. It was exhausting. It was also an extremely repetitive, boring, narcissistic inner conversation. One day I had had enough, and I simply refused to participate in this inner conversation ever again. (It was that simple, and it wasn’t, the work I did on the inside to get myself to that place was very significant and happened over years with great commitment). Although there are days where I have vague thoughts of being a few kilo’s lighter, or running faster, I really am at a place where I have sufficiency in my fitness, my health, my weight.
Sex, well we will save that for another story. I have spent years in abstinence, not because I don’t like sex, I just really am not interested in average sex and I am not that interested in a numbers game to get great, masterful, mind blowing sex. I do however think we need to talk about sex a lot more, and talk about becoming masters in being sexual partners. I would definitely like to see schools for learning how to pleasure others as a normal part of life. Really great sex is as much about mastery as any other skill in life, and I seriously don’t think many people view it that way. I do get to express my creativity by having supra sex, as Barbara Marx Hubbard calls it. (the massive high you get when you create incredible things with others..) As well, my sport is a great physical outlet. So with sex I feel I have sufficiency, even though most people may be inclined to say I am in lack. Give me excellence or naught.
Relationships, well I have amazing, great relationships with incredible people around the world. I love my friends, and the richness they bring to my life. An intimate partner, this has eluded me. For the most part, it has not been an issue. I am not someone who feels less than for being single. Maybe because I have an incredible relationship with my 20 year old daughter. Also because I get so much value from the relationships I have. I have a very different view on long term relationships than most people. (See my recent post on the Future of Marriage.) I feel a sufficiency around my relationships. Well nourished, in deep gratitude to my friends and family. Enoughness.
So that leaves the last one…money. This is my biggie. This is the one aspect of my life that rattles my bones. Well, it hasn’t always…while I was obsessing about my weight and body image I didn’t have time to think much about my relationship with money. (It just goes to show that the stories that rule our lives can be so massively noisy that nothing else can penetrate, including common sense.)
The cosmic joke…well just before I dropped the body issue story, I began to explore the money story. This was in my mid 20’s. There was something about this subject of money that really bamboozled me, and I am not comfortable with feeling like I do not understand something. So the search to understand money and my relationship to money began 25 years ago, and has continued to this day. Now however, it has ramped up a gizzillion notches. I have made a personal commitment to create full healing around my relationship to money, to value exchange, to the expression of my value in the world, to being acknowledged in multiple forms including money for that expression. I am not talking about superficial healing…I am talking about a deep ‘knowing’ type healing. For I have intuitively known for a very long time that my relationship to money is clouded because I get that our current system is broken, and I have been seeking/longing/feeling towards an alternate and it is this that has eluded me. I have also made a commitment to supporting as many other people in the world heal their own money/value illusions. And to support people in really understanding the very system we live in, and how to engage in a parallel system that allows true recognition of value where value is expressed, and not some superficial recognition that says the person with the most stuff, or fame, or is able to manipulate and spell cast better than anyone else is the one that gets the biggest goodie bag, while a teacher in whom we trust the education of our child, gets scraps. Our current system is a dud. There is no tweaking that will fix it. Its very core DNA is corrupt, and has been from its original design. The time is now for a new value expression that takes into account and honours all players, all contributors, past, present and future.
So..the cosmic joke is that my journey as a single parent, and with a ‘story’ going on and on in my head for the last 20 years about not enough..never enough…and my struggle with my relationship with money taking me to a very precarious place where I have way too much debt and have not valued myself enough to ask for what I am really worth…this has all lead me to a deep and getting deeper dive into really understanding our current system, and really building a bridge to a healthy future system, and really being able to support others in the same journey…and in the process will heal me, and others…and that now looking back over this last 25 years, I see the road has been a perfectly designed launch pad, fitted with trials, suffering and all the usual difficulties that bring us, humbled, to our knee’s, open and willing to explore the very core of our brokenness. As to the nauseating story of not enough, I am seriously over that. Over, over, over…broken record, ruled my life for way too long over… The exploration now is sufficiency, no matter what my earning or my bank account or my debt situation is.
Someone once said, with great wisdom, we teach what we most need to learn. Touche.