Archive for the ‘Unique’ Category
On Integrity and Beauty
Friday, March 23rd, 2012LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
Monday, February 13th, 2012
Valentines Day. 2012. What’s love got to do with it?
No matter your status, single, coupled, an anti valentine kind of person…or whatever… the least we can do today is to make a commitment to LOVE. More.
Make a vow today to BE love. To smile in kindness at everyone, or at least at one total stranger. Be brave. Send your love out, with random abandon.
Last time I checked the world was not drowning in too much love.
Find love in your heart, and GIVE… it… out.
Repeat. Repeat again.
I can promise you that no matter your status, today will be fabulous for you being LOVE.
Multiply that by 100, or 1000, or 1000000 and we have a movement, the world will be love light.
It starts with you. Simple. Easy.
Love has no desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
Kahlil Gibran
How do you plan to LOVE today…tomorrow, and more? Please share.
2011 Annual Review: Humility, Gratitude and WOW
Friday, February 3rd, 2012WOW because sometimes there are just no words in the English language to explain the feeling of gob smacking awesomeness when a light that you have been working your arse off to find suddenly comes ON.
I have always found this process to be incredibly powerful. Each year I marvel at just how far I have come. Either I am moving fast on my interiors or I had a lot of catching up to do…or both. The opportunity to pause, gather, reflect, and vision is very nourishing at a soul level. You will see that this particular annual review is deeply personal and quite revealing. As someone who works closely with people, I made a decision a long time ago to be sure that anyone I work with knows, without question, that I am very human, that I have my own insecurities, my own egoic fantasies and mythologies, and I am working as fast and hard as I can on my own journey to self mastery and personal power. One of my most favourite quotes is from the Course in Miracles, “In my vulnerability I become invulnerable.” Or…when I have nothing to hide…I am not able to be attacked.
This report is the equivalent of 7 pages of a word document. Not tooooo bad!!!
Make yourself a coffee or tea…., grab some chocolate (Lindt dark Chilli is the best!!)…and enjoy.
Click here to download and read And if you do find that you simply must respond, please do. In the comments below, or to me personally.
I would be grateful if you feel this would be something others would like to read to share it around.
In gratitude,
PS. While I have written a review of the year for many years now, the inspiration to write this as a PDF for download came from Jonathan Fields. His report was a wonderful read. I recommend you read that too.
Running trails, high frequency tuneable sets, a body singing
Tuesday, October 25th, 2011
How to explain to non runners the feeling of running when you hit the high note? A natural high, the body, nature, beauty, freedom, and low level flying.
This passed weekend I participated, for the second year in a row, in The Lamington Classic. This event, now 42 years old, is one of the oldest, if not the oldest trail runs in Australia.
Starting in the beautiful Green Mountains of South East Queensland, O’Reillys resort, day one is a half marathon across very technical (as in tree roots, rocks, mud, switchbacks, undergrowth, overhanging vines) trail, the first part of the Great Walk (a 50 km walk from O’Reillys to Springbrook), to arrive at Binna Burra on the Beechmont Ridge. Day 2, is the return run, this time slightly complicated by more uphills, and some already tired, sore legs. And the occasional hang over from too much cheer post race Saturday.
For 17 years I have been a dedicated runner. Rare are the days that I struggle to get out of bed to run. And in summer in Queensland, with the birds awake before 4 am, and full light by 4.30, getting out of bed to the dawning day is the best way to celebrate life.
The most amazing thing about running, as about most sports, is that you are constantly learning. While I certainly qualify for mastery in running at many levels, its beauty is that it can humble you in an instant. Reduce you to a shadow of your usual confident running self. In a heart beat. It can also surprise the heck out of you, and out of nowhere comes the place where you breath heaven.
Few people who do not run understand the reasons why we runners get so much joy from the experience. Pounding the pavement…day in and out. Year in and out. For everyone the reason why is different, but the themes are close.
Multiple reasons for me…the joy of movement, the opportunity to stay fit and in shape, the ability to eat chocolate cake without guilt, the camaraderie from running with others, the constant and ever increasing atunement to the body, to its conversation with you, the ability to see the world and run; that my body feels like singing when we run together (my body and I, when we really run in partnership), stress and anger release, time in nature, outdoors…all of these reasons and more.
I was explaining to a client that the precessional effects I have gained from running have far exceeded the cost of my commitment. Specifically, I get to tune into my body at a high frequency every day. To be clear, not all runners do this. Many don’t. They are the ones that get injured, fall apart, push too hard, break down. The addiction they have to running exceeds their common sense. Or, to be blunt, they simply don’t listen to their body, because it is speaking to them, as it is to all of us, every minute of every hour of every day.
Any masterful athlete knows that their body is an exquisite instrument, irreplicable… to be honoured, respected and above all, listened to. Our bodies speak constantly. But do we listen? And if so, do we act? Once again we find the battle-field of the ego and the voice of wisdom and truth. Most pay homage to the ego. Humility comes when we honour the wisdom of our bodies truth.
This, as well as our energetic system…informing us constantly…it really is quite amazing. The wisdom that resides in our cells, in our atoms, in our energy field. So strange that we even doubt it! Like a high definition tunable radio set, we can pick up signals of ever finer frequency. The older amongst us learn how to do this, as an art, because we had our systems numbed out when we were children, or were born without the skills. Many children today however, are born with all of their channels wide open. And simply no resources on how to block, protect, discern, and manage the signals. And rarely a parent or health care professional who would even consider that we have gone through a physical and energetic metamorphous that has increased our signal receptor ability to off-the-charts. Our children’s systems cannot cope, and they often get drugged, numbed or locked down. Autism, depression…on the rise…no mistaking the change in the humans ability to receive signals at ever higher frequencies.
As a runner, I have learned, am still learning, to tune in at a level most people don’t. This not only helps me stay fit, it allows me to tune into emotional energies. The field, whether it be Rupert Sheldrake’s morphogenetic field, or the akashic field, or the quantum field. Same field. Acute attention required. The signals are all there, all the time, just like radio signals are always present…they just need the tunable set.
Come Saturday, Day 1 of the Lamington Classic. Relaxed, running with two girl friends, plan to run together. I am by far the most experienced trail runner. I lead. First 7 kms is gradual uphill, so just a steady grind. Then it gets very technical, and downhill. My body has not been feeling sparky the last few weeks when I have run. Like that box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get…so best just to show up and have a go. Not today. I am flying down those trails. I am in love with love, and trails and running and mud, and being deep in a jungle. For a little while I wait for the girls to catch up. But at some point I just go for it. It is too much fun, there is too much rhythm going on. I feel as free as a bird, and happy as a pig in mud. My physical and energetic body showed up today. Yeh baby! And I am in my element. Downhills, trails, technical. Requiring 100% pure focused attention. A single lapse and you are gone. No time to see the view, the trees, or anything but the path in front. This is where it becomes you, your body, your breath, your foot strike, and nothing else…nothing, not a thought, not a thing…no room. I am not good at sitting meditation, but I sure can run. Woohooo…this is life…this is it..right there…hurtling down hills of mud and rocks in the deep jungle.
At some point with about 5 kms to go I get a bit wobbly…low blood sugar…should have had some fuel on board. Have to take it extra carefully. It is the brain that falters before the body, blood sugar to the brain and lapses in concentration. By the time low blood sugar hits the body it is well advanced.
Last few kms and I trip and mildly sprain my ankle. My formula for this, learned over years of running, is to keep running. Have to slow up a bit, but definitely don’t stop. Years of doing this and I never suffer even mild swelling afterwards, when I finally stop. How remarkable is the body?
Home…wonderful feeling…crossing the line…then turn around and go back to meet the girls as they come in.
The afternoon spent with way too much merriment, and then the sleep of someone who has run hard. The kind of sleep people would pay good money for. The sleep of fresh air, outdoors and hard physical exercise.
The next day, just Fiona and I, as Donna went home late in the day of day 1. We grind the hills, pretty much all up hill until the last 7 kms. Then open it up. Yiiipppyyy. Home straight, downhill, the joy of low level flying through the forest. Full focus required, as body is well and truly tired by now. Muscles sore, energy system starting to lag..
Ah the joy. Pushing just a little into the red zone. Not too much. But enough to know you have done a great job.
Cross the line…and we are done.
A hot shower, followed by scones and jam and cream, and a session feeding the magnificent Rosella’s, before we hit the road for home. Birds on my head, my shoulder, my arms, loving their beauty, and that I can be privileged to be so close to such magnificent creatures.
Every ingredient to make a wonderful weekend. Good friends, great running, beautiful country, lots of laughs, excellent sleep, wildlife, mud, nature, beauty, and the joy of downhill trail running.
Gold Coast Marathon 2011
Monday, July 4th, 2011
I have lost count, but counting is not that important. I am heading to 20 marathons in total, which has included New York (twice), Boston, Chicago, Honolulu, Big Sur, Sydney (pre Olympic, and on the actual Olympic Marathon Course), a marathon at the back of the New Zealand Ironman, and 8 or 9 local Gold Coast marathons. Still to do, Paris, Berlin, London, Comrades (90 k, the biggest ultra Marathon in the world), Great Wall.
I am not a fast runner. I could have been if I had of wanted to do the really hard work to break through to a different level. I chose instead to enjoy my running and not push too hard. Life and work has been where I have focused breaking barriers, running was the equivalent to most people’s couch and TV after a hard day. Instead of couch and TV, I chose very early mornings, daily training, and early to bed. Almost no TV.
My best marathon was the Sydney pre Olympic marathon. I had not done the training, I had decided instead to enjoy the experience. Running across the Sydney Harbour bridge, which was closed to traffic, through Centennial park, and then finally, into the Olympic Stadium, the big screen, my name being called, the crowd cheering. And a PB. Wow! It was an incredible day. I was so relaxed, which seems to be my formula for success.
I entered the Gold Coast Marathon 2011, which was held on July 3rd, on Friday, July 1st. I have done this before, when I ran Honolulu. I just happened to be in town, and thought I might as well. Again no training.
To put this in proper perspective, I have been continuously running for 16 plus years now. And many of my events have been endurance. Marathons or ultra’s. So I have years of running in my legs, and quite a lot of experience. The learning is continuous to this day, and ongoing.
I have not been very motivated with my running this year. Motivated enough to continue to get up at 4.10 am for a 5 am run start 4 times a week. But not motivated to do speed work, tempo work, or long runs over 18 k (11.18 miles). No injuries, body feeling good. No races to train for. Not the big Kokoda Challenge this year (96k, 60 miles), after fours years of participation. The retired runner who runs.
But I like the Gold Coast marathon. Its my local. Its a great event. Over the weekend 25,000 people participate in everything from a junior dash to a 5 k, 10 k, half marathon and marathon. I know the course. I know the people along the way. I know some of the runners.
More than this though, I like the opportunity to get into motion, over several hours, and disappear inside to the simplicity of mind, body and running, and the conversation between self and the immediate now.
I decided earlier in the week, registered on the last day, and did no preparation at all. Except eat something on Sunday morning and drink a sports drink prior to the event. All week I ran as usual, swam on my non running days.
The plan was to enjoy it, finish, and maybe, if I was lucky, to scrape in under 4 hours. This, on a maximum of 60 kms (37 miles) a week, of total training and no run over 18 kms, was a very acceptable time for someone in the second half century of life. I had my headset, money, some gels, a hat, phone (for audio) and my garmin for pace. (a watch to monitor speed, calories, time, etc)
In the first few kilometers, the hardest thing is to not get caught in the adrenaline rush and go out too fast. Slow down, slow down. I had planned to hold about 5.30/km pace, but that was too slow. My body seemed to slot right into the ‘just right’ pace of 5.15 to 5.20. One of my skills, which is a strange skill, is to intuitively know how fast a pace I can run and for how long. It is one of the reasons I have been so good at ultra endurance events. I can pretty much hold the same pace for as long as the run is. 96 km, 42 kms, 70km? 5.15 felt about right. I could hold this for 42 kms. How does my body know this? I have no idea, but I have learnt that when I trust it, and let go of my ego, it is spot on. Hmm…what if it were really true that our bodies do not lie..only our ego bamboozles the messages …we want to hear something else, but below the surface of the ego screaming for attention is the truth. Always.
The hard work in the first 15 kms is to keep the pace in check and not go faster. You pay for it later. Yep…big time. I have paid that price more than once.
One of the great things about the Gold Coast Marathon course is that you get to see the elite runners coming back at about the 12 km mark (18 km for the elites). Even better if you know some of them. You get to see them, yell out, cheer. And if you are quick enough, you also get to see some of the sub 3 hour runners in their last few kilometers.
Went through the half way mark still feeling strong. Had to stop and go to the toilet, which is usual for me, and a bit of a bugger, as you do lose up to 2 minutes. Started consuming gels from the half way. I take them in the version of soft jellies, and hold them in my mouth for a slow release. The only problem with this is your mouth feels like sugar soaked yuk (highly technical term) when you finish, and the cloying stickiness is very nasty. In my alter ego as an athlete, I can spit with the best of them. (And do pretty much anything else that ultradistance athletes do…you have to be there…kind of like an inside joke. I occasionally think about this when I am in my corporate mode, the extreme paradox of my archetypes)
It was hot and in full sun for about 5 kms, between 21 and 26 which was no fun. Happy for the hat, and sunscreen. I did not have my timing chip in the right place on my shoe and it was hurting. Should I stop and retie it? This was a question that occupied my thinking for quite a lot of time, off and on. In the end decided to ‘suck it up princess’ and ignore it. Funny how that works, I can’t remember feeling it for the last 7 k. Maybe because of this, and because I was running slightly differently on that foot, the same foot was cramping. Again, I chose to ignore it, but did make sure that I downed a full cup of sports drink at the next aid station to try to get those electrolytes in. I am someone who sweats, and I lose a lot of salt. My arms were completely crusted in salt when I finished, as would have been my face except for the amount of water I threw over it.
At the 30.5 km mark we run past the finish line. If people pull out, this is where they do it. The temptation to stop is great for many. Must confess I didn’t even think about it. It was great to see one of my training buddies running into the last section before the turn into the finish, his goal to run under 3 hours well and truly achieved. He looked shattered, but I knew that pain would be forgotten in an instant when he crossed the finish line. And this was the guy who two years ago regularly said…’you marathon runners are all crazy.’ I guess hanging out with so many marathon runners has a way of getting under your skin.
There was a tough section somewhere in the last 10 k. I think it must have been around the 32 to 37. When I ran my marathon debut, back in 1995, I was given some very good advise. A marathon doesn’t start until 37 kms. (23 miles). You can be feeling fantastic at 30, and somewhere between 30 and 37 a hole can develop in the bucket. If you are feeling Ok at 37, then even if a hole does develop, there is only 5 k to go, and anyone can do that. I knew with 10 km to go that as long as I didn’t dip under the 6 min kilometer pace I would come in under 4 hours. I also knew that I had a fair bit of wriggle room. There were a few sections where I was getting into the 5.40 to 5.45 range, but not for long.
I was concerned I needed to go to the toilet again (I am prone to runners diarrhea), but I was determined to not give into that. My foot cramping was playing up a bit in the final stages, but again, run it through. Hit the 40 k mark, where the day before on an easy jog I had taken a photo for my Facebook page…with the caption, when I reach this point it will be a heavenly sign. 2 kms to go. Now is the time to dig, and increase my pace. I am not sure I have ever been able to do that at the end of a marathon. I have always gone out too hard, and died too early. Not today. Dig, and dig I did. Back to 5.15 pace.
41 km, one and a bit to go. The crowds screaming. There was a women in front of me in a red top. Pass her. (At this stage the brain function is reduced to lizard. Not much coherent thinking going on..just…lady in red top, pass her. We had been playing cat and mouse for about 5 k. I try not to focus on anyone else until the very last section, run my own race, not get caught up in anyone else’s.) Into the finish straight, which is still about 400m. Lined with crowds of people. Open up, go hard. Catch the big guy with the bald head. Looks like a truck driver. Oh god, I think I put my foot on the throttle a little too soon, stay with it, don’t let up. Keep going, just around the corner. Go hard. There is the finish. Nothing else exists. Cross, throw arms in air, smile…stop…wobble…wobble. Get support, yes I am OK. Bit wobbly, but OK.
Yay…3 hours 48 mins. One of my best runs in years. Only 9 minutes off my PB. Qualifies me for Boston, Comrades, and 6 Foot Track. 8th fastest in my age category, 272 female to finish, 1,448 out of 4,549 to finish. Gotta be happy with that.
Happy, I am delighted. Thrilled, over the moon. I’ll lose 2 toenails, but that always happens, otherwise, feel remarkably well. No muscle soreness. Walking quite normally. My average pace, even with toilet stop, was 5 mins 21 per kilometer.
After a shower, a feast of Max Brenner (chocolate dessert, guilt free) with my daughter, a beer and some veggie chips (for the salt, not my usual diet), it was time to hit the couch.
Today, no pain, no soreness, remarkable. My usual morning swim squad indicated muscle fatigue, which was expected. A swim post run is great to roll over muscles, work out the kinks.
Tomorrow, back to running.
People think running a marathon is a big deal. Almost anyone can do it. They can walk it, wheel chair it…blind runners can be guided to do it. Like anything in life, it starts with the decision, and continues with the action that backs the commitment. There will be obstacles, sometimes big ones. This year I was lucky, I had few. Have had had big ones, stress fractures, nausea, vomiting, heat stress, have run through them all and finished, sometimes slowly. The point of a marathon is to finish. You start with that. How fast you do it becomes secondary. Many people confuse the finish time with just finishing. They are so attached to a time that they quit if they are not on target.
A marathon teaches humility. And respect. It is a metaphor of a life journey experienced in a few hours. A marathon demands truth, it will challenge you to face the soft underbelly of your spirit. It is quite beautiful.
Give it a go…why not?
High Frequency Tunable Sets – When our sensory perception collides with our biology
Monday, June 20th, 2011
Like a very high frequency tunable radio set, our ability to pick up and send energetically, instantaneously, to multiple people, within our Universe is advancing at a rapid pace. Our biology is struggling to keep up with our energetic tunability.
We expect human biology to stay the same. But like everything, our biology, and specifically, our neurology, is undergoing accelerated acceleration.
Kids (and adults) who spend hours a day gaming are increasing their twitch speed. Constant high frequency input of images and output of hand eye co-ordination require a highly specified neurological network. Even without the online gaming world, our entire world has become faster. All of us a juggling competing commitments, multitasking, texting/talking/driving/working online/offline. The demands on our neurology to co-ordinate all of these activities are extreme.
We also seem to have an increase in neurological disorders, such as autism in its various forms. ADD, ADHD…the list goes on. Some of these conditions are legitimate, many children are diagnosed because of laziness. Strangely, we insist that our child be special, but if special is not looking like well behaved and ‘normal’ we medicate at the drop of a hat.
On the subject of medication, we are all over medicated. Even if we do not take medication, if we eat meat we are ingesting very high levels of antibiotics, as well as other spooky substances. Not to mention the ingestion of all the various other nasties in our air (radiation fall-out from Japan, with measures being taken in other parts of the world that are worth being concerned about). The impending superbug is only a matter of time. We have sterilised ourselves off the charts, inviting the always changing world of microbes to adapt to all manner of antibiotics, so that in the future, the very diseases we had conquered will thrive again or in new super resistant forms.
In this constantly changing, constantly ‘stressed’ ecosystem, our sensory perceptual capabilities are developing off the charts. If we pause for a moment, we can tune into frequencies unavailable to most people 50 years ago. Science points to entanglement…that when we have two paired particles and we separate them, if we tickle one, the other will feel the same tickle instantaneously, even if the distance between the two particles is thousands of miles. No speed of light here. Instantaneous. Time and space become irrelevant. The wisdom traditions all say we are all one. Exactly what was meant by this is becoming increasingly undeniable. Chaos theory talks about a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil causing a storm in Asia. Bucky Fuller would say that all of us are tunable sets. Like a radio receiver, if we adjust the dials, we can pick up signals from around the world. The signals are already present, all that is missing is the tunable set. We are becoming high frequency tunable sets.
Some people are already developing skills in this area that make no sense to our empirical world. Intuition is becoming a more common place term, but it is still not regarded with any seriousness in traditional leadership programs. It still exists in the ‘new age’ genre. Science is racing to keep up with the unexplainable, unmeasurable world of people with extraordinary tunable sets. Their skills and abilities are viewed as unreasonable, and irrational.
Even with the rapid upgrade of our neurology via over stimulation, our intellect and language, our biology and our awareness is unable to catch up with our ability to pick up all the frequencies we increasingly have access to. In revolt, our biology develops autism, ADD etc. Our energetic systems are colliding with our biology with catastrophic consequences.
Many people will not be able to make it across the chasm. All of us need to develop the physical and spiritual stamina to not only acknowledge the signals we are sensing, but to make sense of them and have the intellect and language to interpret them. And to create a shield when our systems are in overload. To turn off the tunable set at times. An integral life practice is critical.
Are you aware of becoming an increasingly powerful tunable set? How do you manage it? Do you have any thoughts to add to this?
The Majesty of Morning
Thursday, May 12th, 2011
I have never been a meditator, at least not in the sitting still form of meditation. My running and swimming are my form of meditation. And these two activities are an habitual part of my morning, rain, hail, or shine. In my running there is a space, an expansiveness, at time out from all of the competing commitments. This morning, a crisp autumn morning, one of those days where the Australian light, which is a different than light any light I have experienced in any other country..clean, sharp, vibrant, colourful…was particularly beautiful. But before that there was the first streaks of dawn across the Pacific, not a cloud on the horizon, and 4 stars clustered together in a most unusual formation. Venus and Jupiter, vibrant and pulsing and Mars and Mercury harder to see.
From the Herald Sun Newspaper.
The truly remarkable event – when Jupiter lines up with Venus, Mercury and Mars in the pre-dawn sky – will be visible in Australia’s eastern sky on Friday.
The alignment of the four planets, which happens only once every 50 to 100 years, will occur just before sunrise, Sydney Observatory says.
“Every couple of years you get two or three planets that come close together, but to have four is particularly rare,” the observatory’s education officer, Geoffrey Wyatt, said today.
The last time Australians saw such a show was in 1910, and the next occasion would not be until 2056, Mr Wyatt said.
During the alignment, from 5am on Friday, the four planets will be visible just above the horizon in the east.
Wow…I cannot tell you how beautiful these stars were, hovering over the crest of the Pacific Ocean. And then to run, as the sun makes its way into the sky, through the natural habitat of the Spit, on Queensland’s Gold Coast. It just doesn’t get any better. My cup runneth over with the majesty of the morning.
And it seems I need to be on the beach at 5 am tomorrow as well…to capture the full impact of the four planets in alignment.
On Tuesday my morning run was along Tallow Beach to Broken Head, Byron Bay. Followed by breakfast over looking Byron Bays main beach. So many people who come to Australia to visit fall in love with Byron Bay, our most easterly point. There is something about her energy….
What have you done today to be present to the magnificent majesty of morning? Of life? To the abundance that rolls always at our feet?
To quote from the master Rumi,
This moment
This love
Comes to rest in me,
Many beings
In One being.
In one wheat grain
A thousand
Sheaf Stacks
Inside
The needle’s eye
A turning night of stars.
Cosmic jokes, hot sex, relationships, money…and sufficiency
Thursday, April 7th, 2011
I feel quite sure that the God’s are laughing right now. There is a cosmic joke and I am at the centre of it. Thankfully I have some levity around the subject as well, no matter how painful the journey to get to this point.
I am maintained that the four really sticky lessons for every human is money, sex, health and relationships. All of us have the one or two trouble areas from these four, and one or two that we are pretty clean about. Most people I have met have one of these that is a real biggie…the one aspect that seems to be a constant place of learning through a lifetime. Two of these we have agreed by silent consent are open to being discussed, and the other two are like some dirty secret that no one must talk about in public. Ever. Or if they do, only if they are a stand up comedian or they wrap it in humor.
My health is outrageously good, through a combination of fabulous gene’s (thank you mum and dad) and placing health as my number one value. It was not always like this, and for the first part of my life my health was the area that I struggled with. Borderline anorexic, I lived for 17 years with a constant inner story about my body and my weight. Not a minute of a hour of my waking day would go by when I would not think about food, my body, my weight, what I would eat, what I would not eat. It was exhausting. It was also an extremely repetitive, boring, narcissistic inner conversation. One day I had had enough, and I simply refused to participate in this inner conversation ever again. (It was that simple, and it wasn’t, the work I did on the inside to get myself to that place was very significant and happened over years with great commitment). Although there are days where I have vague thoughts of being a few kilo’s lighter, or running faster, I really am at a place where I have sufficiency in my fitness, my health, my weight.
Sex, well we will save that for another story. I have spent years in abstinence, not because I don’t like sex, I just really am not interested in average sex and I am not that interested in a numbers game to get great, masterful, mind blowing sex. I do however think we need to talk about sex a lot more, and talk about becoming masters in being sexual partners. I would definitely like to see schools for learning how to pleasure others as a normal part of life. Really great sex is as much about mastery as any other skill in life, and I seriously don’t think many people view it that way. I do get to express my creativity by having supra sex, as Barbara Marx Hubbard calls it. (the massive high you get when you create incredible things with others..) As well, my sport is a great physical outlet. So with sex I feel I have sufficiency, even though most people may be inclined to say I am in lack. Give me excellence or naught.
Relationships, well I have amazing, great relationships with incredible people around the world. I love my friends, and the richness they bring to my life. An intimate partner, this has eluded me. For the most part, it has not been an issue. I am not someone who feels less than for being single. Maybe because I have an incredible relationship with my 20 year old daughter. Also because I get so much value from the relationships I have. I have a very different view on long term relationships than most people. (See my recent post on the Future of Marriage.) I feel a sufficiency around my relationships. Well nourished, in deep gratitude to my friends and family. Enoughness.
So that leaves the last one…money. This is my biggie. This is the one aspect of my life that rattles my bones. Well, it hasn’t always…while I was obsessing about my weight and body image I didn’t have time to think much about my relationship with money. (It just goes to show that the stories that rule our lives can be so massively noisy that nothing else can penetrate, including common sense.)
The cosmic joke…well just before I dropped the body issue story, I began to explore the money story. This was in my mid 20’s. There was something about this subject of money that really bamboozled me, and I am not comfortable with feeling like I do not understand something. So the search to understand money and my relationship to money began 25 years ago, and has continued to this day. Now however, it has ramped up a gizzillion notches. I have made a personal commitment to create full healing around my relationship to money, to value exchange, to the expression of my value in the world, to being acknowledged in multiple forms including money for that expression. I am not talking about superficial healing…I am talking about a deep ‘knowing’ type healing. For I have intuitively known for a very long time that my relationship to money is clouded because I get that our current system is broken, and I have been seeking/longing/feeling towards an alternate and it is this that has eluded me. I have also made a commitment to supporting as many other people in the world heal their own money/value illusions. And to support people in really understanding the very system we live in, and how to engage in a parallel system that allows true recognition of value where value is expressed, and not some superficial recognition that says the person with the most stuff, or fame, or is able to manipulate and spell cast better than anyone else is the one that gets the biggest goodie bag, while a teacher in whom we trust the education of our child, gets scraps. Our current system is a dud. There is no tweaking that will fix it. Its very core DNA is corrupt, and has been from its original design. The time is now for a new value expression that takes into account and honours all players, all contributors, past, present and future.
So..the cosmic joke is that my journey as a single parent, and with a ‘story’ going on and on in my head for the last 20 years about not enough..never enough…and my struggle with my relationship with money taking me to a very precarious place where I have way too much debt and have not valued myself enough to ask for what I am really worth…this has all lead me to a deep and getting deeper dive into really understanding our current system, and really building a bridge to a healthy future system, and really being able to support others in the same journey…and in the process will heal me, and others…and that now looking back over this last 25 years, I see the road has been a perfectly designed launch pad, fitted with trials, suffering and all the usual difficulties that bring us, humbled, to our knee’s, open and willing to explore the very core of our brokenness. As to the nauseating story of not enough, I am seriously over that. Over, over, over…broken record, ruled my life for way too long over… The exploration now is sufficiency, no matter what my earning or my bank account or my debt situation is.
Someone once said, with great wisdom, we teach what we most need to learn. Touche.
Lets dance together…
Tuesday, December 7th, 2010
Who the hell am I? I am not the one who took a breath yesterday, or indeed the one who spoke on the phone today. The very fiber of my being has been completely unravelled and reorganised. Who ever I am I am liking more and more.
I am not the little girl who never felt she was enough. The one who has worked her arse off to prove that she is worthy. I am not the set of beliefs that has ruled my life for so long. I am not this, not that. I am nothing and everything. Nowhere and everywhere.
I am light and energy. I am at times profoundly human, and at other times a complete mystery. I am feeling and sensing into spaces I did not know existed. I am excited out of my skin by the possibility of the unfolding…the unfolding of what I have no idea. I am still at times gripped by fear of scarcity. But less so. I am sitting in the words of Lao Tzu….’he who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.’
I am watching myself, catching myself in moments of pride, moments when a shadow crosses my soul. What is that darkness that has cast out the light? Sometimes it is a silly thought, an old pattern from aeons ago, sometimes it is my integrity being called into question…for when you really begin to play at the levels of subtle energy, you can get away with naught.
I am open to worlds and worlds of the mystics. I am standing in the space of mystical law. Where my relationship to time and space are warped beyond comprehension. Where miracles are indeed the norm, very ho hum…actually, in the place where if miracles are not happening I am out of harmony with the Universe.
I am opening myself to love. To partnership, deep and profound. And oceans of joy, and dancing, and everything singing in one song. Universe.
I am on the precipice. And the space in front of me is vast, so very vast. The precipice is the place to thrive, and live, the very seat of emergence, the central point of life and vitality.
I am standing in my magnificence like I have never done before. I am opening the space within me, extending it out, far and far. My feet are firmly planted, earth and all of life in full support of the song I have to sing.
I see flickers of beauty, thousands of flickers…the light beings dancing. They are cheering. As are the angels. And the birds. All of life, all of it, wants me to be all of me.
There is only ease, and joy and beauty and infinite ecstasy……and this is the truth.
Lets dance together….
Climbing the mountain
Monday, October 11th, 2010
I heard a story the other day about a life time journey up the mountain.
We start at the bottom of our journey with our possessions, the things that define us. Our photographs, clothes, status, image, title, station in life, career..all of these things bundled into a few suitcases. As we climb, the conditions get more difficult. At some point we delete some of our possessions, culling down to the ‘essentials’.
The climb gets more difficult. We do more culling. This is harder than we thought.
After a time we are down to a backpack and the clothes we wear.
The climb gets more difficult. We lose the backpack. Easier to move now.
Then we lose the jacket, the jewelry, until eventually we are down to our nakedness.
And then we reach the top of the mountain. The view is glorious. The whole world is before us, offering itself to us in totality.
We have nothing but ourselves, the bodies we arrived on earth in, no baggage, no status, nothing to distinguish who we are, other than our form.
At the top of the mountain we find we are not alone. There are others, equally naked, who have made the climb.
We sit down together, and for the very first time, we speak to each other our truth, devoid of all the baggage. There is no pretense, that was lost on the mountain, there is no righteousness, no pride, no greed…there is only self. Raw, naked, exposed.
We are free. Finally, we are free.
We dance and laugh together at the foolishness of humanity, seeking freedom in all the wrong places. It was there all along. If only we had let go…..
