Without question my journey has been one to ‘get’ that I am not alone. That the mysterious forces of the Universe are always present, able to offer me guidance, answer any question, sooth an aching soul. Sometimes those mysterious forces come wearing the face of a person. Sometimes it comes through a book, or a movie, or a word from a stranger on TV. Even the guy who cuts me off in the lane as I drive my car has the potential to be my ‘angel’ for today, if I were to stop long enough and see the connection. I do believe that in every moment we are presented with angels to direct and guide us. Some speak in the softest of whispers, others are more direct.
This last week my direct angel arrived in the form of a person. A friend of 17 years, recently returned from a 7 month pilgrimage around the world.
I was describing to Pauline what was going on in my life. I see that on the right hand side of my life I have all of these exciting and amazing projects. For example, following my trip to Brazil last year, a group of us formed The Constellation. The Constellation is committed to evolving the art, science and craft of leadership and enterprise. One of the projects we are working on is the Indigenous Prosperity project here in Australia. This is a large scale issue involving multiple stakeholders, lots of painful history, and various other competing factors. Then we have some other work that is forming, including working on greening the global textile industry. My own pet project is around bringing ‘light’ and an embodied understanding to the global economy. Specifically, to create an experiential workshop that takes place over a few days, with the result that participants leave with an embodied understanding of the global money system. After a quarter of a century of my life given to seek to understand this system myself, I have scarce scratched the surface. However, I now know people who do understand it. These people are rare indeed. Even more rare are the people who understand it and want to bring light to it. My sense if that there is a high investment by those elite few who do understand the global economy and want to keep it, and all of us, in the dark. My intention is to bring a small group of people together for five days, including the people I know who understand the current system from the light side, plus a few other people to bring diversity and perspective, like a cell biologist, etc; and have these people sit in the questions..what do we create, and for whom, and how do we deliver this so that we get a positive field effect? Then to create an experiential game that allows embodied learning and understanding, and a second game that allows the creation of something new. And then of course to deliver this to a select group of people to get the ball rolling.
Here I was, speaking of this right hand side of my life…this future pregnant with possibility and invoking everything I have always wanted to do. My energy was high. I am working with incredible people around the world creating world changing artifacts. It is the work I have dreamed of participating in all of my life, right from the first word out of my mouth.
Then I shifted, but not for long, to the left hand side of my work. The solo work of Christine. Christine and her clients. The experience I am having in this domain is one of being ‘ejected.’ My solo business is not falling away, I am being pushed out. It is remarkable to watch. Yet between that door on the left closing, and the door on the right opening, there is a space. And the space still needs to cover the payment of bills. Funny about that. It can be scary, and after years of living on the edge, very exhausting.
I have recognised at that same time that the very action I take that makes me a good long distance runner, is the action I have been avoiding in my working life. In my running I no longer listen to the resistance. If it is dark and cold, and the bed is warm, I still get up. Like clockwork. Why? Because I know the gain on the other side. Indeed, in the early days I created a little process to get me out of bed. I used to imagine I did get out of bed and go running, while I was still in bed, and at the end of the run, ask myself how I felt. If I felt great for the run, out of bed I would get. The short term pain of getting out of bed was smaller than the long term pleasure of running. I also asked myself how I would feel for the rest of the day if I did not get out of bed. Most of the time the answer to that question was that I would feel awful. Sludgy. Lazy.
In my work the resistance has been around two things predominantly…making calls to people to build business, and writing my book.
Back to Pauline. I had just started to explain to her that I needed to push through my resistance and make calls to people to seek work as the solo Christine.
She stopped me in my tracks. It was completely obvious to her that I was highly energised talking about the right hand side…the collaborative work. My words even got her excited. And, having known me for so long, she knew I was always up to a big game.
She said something of the likes of….you don’t need to make calls to get clients. You need to make calls to find a philanthropist to support your day to day expenses so you can go and do the work around the global economy game, and all of the other ventures. “Just imagine Christine, how much work you could get done if you had time to focus on this 100%?” And more…”Do I value myself enough to consider that this work is important and that someone would be only to happy to support me because they too see the value?”
Needless to say, she did stop me in my tracks. A sledge hammer would be an elegant description.
A little more context. As long time readers will know, my whole life has been quite a solo act. I have supported myself, provided for my daughter, and done it quite well. However, the measure I have had for myself is no less than…hmm..someone like Richard Branson! So from that perspective, I have been terrible. It has taken me years to reconcile that I am not a natural business person. My skill, which I do acknowledge I have, is elsewhere. Sadly we live in a society where a person’s worth is often measured by how successful they are at amassing money. The solo journey has been my journey. Indeed, the inner narrative I have had for myself is that “I need to make it on my own in order to be worthy (in my eyes).”
So I never took the hand of the man/ men who offered me a place in their castle, surrounded by glittering jewels. I didn’t want to be someone’s princess. I wasn’t looking for the knight. “If there was a mercedes in my drive way, it was because I put it there!” was the metaphor I used.
So on I have struggled….only to continually learn, in ever finer distinctions, that no one ever does anything on their own. Ever…
Of course the other side to this little story of my life is the struggle to find the balance of the feminine and the masculine. My energy has been so strongly masculine that it is no surprise that I push away any possibility of an intimate male/female partnership…a long term relationship with a man.
Today my natural choice is to work with people. I want to partner with. I love the feel of true synergy. I like the fun of it, and the challenge. And just the sheer wonder of what is possible.
Pauline suggests I ask for support..for someone, probably a man, to take care of my living costs while I go create.
She asks me if I would consider supporting myself if I was the person on the other side listening to me, and I had money. Yes, no question…in fact for the last few months I have declared as part of my future that the investments I would like to make with any spare cash I have, is not in the usual bricks and mortar, or shares, but in people just like me who are committed to adding value to the whole world.
Her suggestion of course presses all of my buttons…all of them…right down to the very cells under my toenails. This is a different type of support than the usual male/female support. This is allowing me to get on with what I know I am to do, and be supported to do it. Ouch…in my heart and soul I know she is speaking to some truth that goes clunk, the resonance is without question. Yet my mind spins, as I never, ever considered this. I don’t even begin to know what to do…and how…to ask..gasp…to be taken care of…gasp…while I get on with my work…!!
First thought is to actually allow myself to accept and receive that I am of worth to have this happen. That this would truly be a relationship based on value, for both parties. No unresolved male/female issues…power issues…
Next…well…my plans are to write up a bit more about what I am proposing…but in truth, I think I just need to start speaking to people about what I am spontaneously aroused to do..which is to create the experiential game around the global economy…and ask…simply ask, for support. (Now that is hard)
Finally, as I was about to post this, another angel called me. We discussed what I have written. Lindley then talked about me accessing the divine feminine, which goes back to my last blog post. As part of my daily practice, to sit and connect with the feminine within me. To invite her to speak through me, live through me. As you know, this is all very foreign territory to me…and…it really feels so very very right. I have denied the feminine in me for so very long.
Deep breath…and as Lindley reminded me, in the words of T.S. Elliot, costing no less than everything….I take a step…