Archive for November, 2009

Living in the Mystery

Friday, November 20th, 2009

footprintsonsand

All my life I have been motivated by curiosity. If I do not understand a word, I look up the meaning straight away on Dictionary.com. Google is my best friend, as is Wikipedia. I love love love that we have the internet and that answers to my questions are at my finger tips.

Of course some answers are not so easy to find. Like “Why am I here?” “What is the meaning of life?” Specifically, what is the meaning of my life?” And..”What exactly, is the point, anyway?”

While I have never got sucked into the vortex of these questions and fallen, like Alice, down the rabbit hole, into a dark and twisted existential crisis, lost in the impossibility of the answers, I have held these questions as a kind of beacon, their light shining just ahead, pulling me forward to continue my own inner journey, and in the process finding answers that bring peace, if not certainty. Sure, there have been days where it has seemed pointless. But these days for me have been rare. Mostly, I am in love with the mystery of it all. And in awe.

I am not sure why I respond to life in this way. In love with the mystery. Maybe it is because I am an adventurer at heart, and the inner adventure is as much fun, for the most part, as the one in the outside world. My curiosity pulls me. “Why did I just agree to do that?” “Wow, that was an interesting response Christine. What’s going on with you girl?” I find myself observing myself with fascination. And my quick little mind is happy at work, analyzing, finding meaning, making sense of.

Of course there are some things that simply do not make sense at all. Like why, exactly, are we so attracted to THAT particular person? Or why this happened? Or that?

And here in lies the beauty of life. Are we able to stand living in the mystery? Can our rational mind be allowed to relinquish control about some things, and not have all the answers available, lined up in neat little rows? For many people, this mystery unravels them. Their need to have a rational explanation, to be in control of their world, is so great, that the burden of not knowing truly sucks them into a dark rabbit hole. The impossibility of finding a rational answer to the questions pecking at them becomes so unsustainable, yet like an addict, they keep asking, lost, lost in their need.

Living in the mystery allows for the adventure to continue. If we have been everywhere, and experienced everything, why have an adventure? If we know all the answers, and have no more questions, what happens then? Does life stop? I think not. I think that that is the point. First, that the beauty of the ever unfolding mystery of life is the main adventure, and our not knowing is the pull, like the eternal seeking for that one lover who really does complete you. And that when we reach a place of inner knowing, when our questions stop because we have found the source of truth, that doesn’t mean the adventure stops. It means that the adventure now is all about observing how this allows life to unfold around us. Rather like going to an fabulous movie and being swept up in the story. (As I haven’t reached that place I can only conjecture.)

The tragedy is when people loose their love of the mystery. For whatever reason, life wears them down, and their inner fatigue and exhaustion is so overwhelming that they loose all interest in living in the mystery. They become buried in resignation and hopelessness. Many times we have confused clinical depression with a spiritual crisis. A spiritual crisis demands that we go inside and do the work. A spiritual crisis is usually brought on by the loss of something that makes no sense. It could be the loss of a loved one, or a job, or something a little more subtle, like the loss of our sense of self. Whatever the trigger, the demand and requirement is for us to go inside and sit with some of the questions that define us, and to preferably do this inner work with the support of someone skilled in staying with you as you loose your rational mind to be reunited with the mysterious. An Amchara coach for example. Someone how knows the nuances of the terrain on the inside, the need for silence, the need to be in nature, then need to rediscover beauty. Who has the ability to ask the gentle and hard questions birthed in infinite compassion, all the while responding to the unfolding unraveling aware of the majesty of kairos time.

What I have learned in my own inner journey are the essentials to pack as we embark, or continue on our adventure.

*A curious mind.
*The willingness to not know and surrender to the not knowing.
*A exquisite love of beauty, be it art, or music, poetry or nature. These things transcend the rational. Art, music, poetry capture what we are not able to capture in words. Sitting in nature and really looking at its incredible complexity and infinite beauty takes us out from our small mind games.
*The support of an amchara or two, or a teacher or guide.
*A daily practice that keeps us grounded, earthed, embodied.
*An open heart.
*Courage
*A good sense of humor. Learn to laugh at yourself and the shear paradox of it all.

In 1995 I held my own weekend retreat, attended by myself and an extensive list of questions. At the end of that journey of inner contemplation, I wrote my personal mission statement, which I very slightly amended in 2002.

Here it is. It doesn’t speak of who I am as much as the place I hold for myself. Sometimes I do not get it right. No matter. I come back and start again. This is my inner guide. More than anything, this mission statement reminds me of the beauty of living in the mystery.

MISSION STATEMENT
CHRISTINE MCDOUGALL
3-1-95, amended Jan 2002
To live my truth at all times, allowing my spirit to shine forth graciously and inspire others to acknowledge their own magnificence.
To be humble and open, in surrender to God’s grace.
To trust in the Divine Energy.
To love comprehensively.
To respect and honour the physical Universe and my own physicality.
To be, joyously, all that I am.
To laugh often, and share my joy abundantly.
To be a willing and gracious disciple of life’s lessons.
To openly receive the abundance of the Universe, to give gratefully.
To be a wise steward to all the wealth that comes to me.
To be Bold.
To embrace life’s adventure.
To be a loving and present mother, an intimate and committed lover, a compassionate and available friend, an honourable and loving daughter, a courageous inspirational leader, a responsible citizen of our glorious Earth.
To acknowledge the source of my creative intelligence and my responsibility for all that exists in my Universe.
To embody the essence of integrity and inspire integrity in others.
To be my truth, my spirit, my love…..
Unbounded
Timeless
Eternal

I would love to hear from you about how you live in the mystery….

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The Divided Life

Friday, November 6th, 2009

nikon1981

We are scattered like a thousand pieces across our world. There is the part of us that appears like we “have it all together” in public. The part of us that is terrified of what people would think if they saw behind our mask of “perfect”. The part of us that constantly worries about what people will think if we do this or that. The part of us that yearns for something greater, like a purposeful purpose, or a determined and clear way forward. The part of us that believes we must do the right thing. Whatever that is! Stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids, or because of the money thing, or because isn’t that what you do? The part of us that has a different self outside of a marriage, playing the field, hoping to remain undiscovered.  The part of us that is trapped in work that has no movement and rhythm, that we experience as  the same track playing over and over again, day in, day out. The part of us that obeys someone else’s rules, and wonders, why? Maybe our parents said that this is how we are to live our life, and we bought it, no questions asked. The part of us that thinks we can get away with some of our little tricks and little atrocities, that falls under a spell of power, or seduction, or glamor. The part of us that misbehaves anyway, because we have not yet learned to stop throwing tantrums.

The pieces of us that are scattered in all these places have a deep yearning. Yet for what they are yearning is often not clear. Something is missing. But what? All of our small pieces are separated from the core, from our centre, yet unaware even that they are separate. And in their isolation and loneliness lies our pain and confusion. “Who am I?” “Where am I?” “Why does this feel so very hard?” “Where did I get lost?”

When we live this divided life people never really know which “us” they are speaking to. Are we the public person? Are we the person with the fears and insecurities…the one we try our very best to hide? Are we the happy go lucky larrikin or the man who cries at night into the pillow, the pain of his divided life swallowing him in despair? Which part of us is true, we cry to an empty room?

People don’t know us!  Even more tragic, we don’t know ourselves! How can we know who we are when we are scattered like dust motes in the wind? Where do we begin to look to find our all together self?

Our journey and our joy is to bring all the pieces back together. To be the one person, undivided. To show one face, the same face to all and sundry, aligned and in truth, and with courage and fortitude.

No easy task this. On this road we need to get passed our insecurities, challenge all the rules we have been living by, learn to like all the bad bits…the anger, our smallness, our apparent weaknesses, our addictions; find our song inside, bring our selves out from the dark place, say yes to what we know is our path, say no to all the distractions; distinguish between our voice of truth and the voice of ego, find our courage, rejoice in our vulnerability, stand up and sing!

Living the divided life has a high cost. The burden of carrying all of these pieces is enormous. To project an image in public of having “it all together” takes every ounce of our energy. Many people who carry this burden end up sick, their physical body so depleted of vital energy sources in other areas, for so long..that breakdown is inevitable. Or they suffer depression. The demons they work so hard to suppress from public view demand attention. After all, they are a part of us, denied. So they squeeze through the cracks of our soul, and find residence in our heart, where they play their drums in increasing intensity. These demons are not bad. They are the parts of us calling for attention. Our depression and illness is our siren song to find a way to bring all the pieces of ourselves home. To be united in one song, our unique song, the song we were born to sing.

So we go to work. This is the inner work of being human. Many people try to avoid this work. Its not something taught in schools, or discussed in most homes. Our world is focused on the world out there. It’s far easier to focus on the world out there. The world of bricks and mortar, stuff we can grow and move and do things with. Our society has divorced itself from the inner work, often confusing it with religion, or new ageism, or whoo whoo! It is none of those things, although it can be found within all of them. It is the work of getting to know our animating spirit, the real “who”, of who we are. The quiet, steady, always present part of our self, wise and all knowing. But first we must take the time to listen, or develop the courage to hear this wise all knowing part of self.

Our inner work involves bringing all of our broken and disparate pieces back together, back to our core. It doesn’t matter where we start. Starting is what matters. Getting to know all the parts of ourselves and finding acceptance. Or finally looking in the eye of our insecurities, our fears, our self hate, and questioning their dominance of us? Or learning to say NO to what is not on our song sheet, and YES to what is. Learning to know the difference between the two.

And where does the journey of finding all of our broken pieces and bringing them back together take us? It brings us home. Only when all the pieces are together again can we really step into our own power and magnificence, and sing with the clearest of clear voices. When we find this place we speak with the forces of all of nature that are now together. There is an ease and freedom that is found in this place. Our energy is high as we are no longer juggling all of the pieces of a divided life. All of our energy is now available to do one thing, and that is to be us in full song. We are aligned, congruent, whole. We know who we are. And we accept our truth as it is.

And of course, the mystery and paradox is that now, from this place of wholeness, we can move to the end of the final separation. We can come home to home itself and find oneness with all.

As my favourite poet, Hafiz said…

At
Some point
Your relationship
With God
Will
Become like this:
Next time you meet him in the forest
Or on a crowded city street
There won’t be anymore
“Leaving:
That is
God will climb into
Your pocket
You will simply just take
Yourself
Along

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