(Kairos Time refers to an ancient Greek word (Kairos) meaning the right or opportune moment.)
Life is such a grand adventure. Only a month ago I was in a serious internal question about what the heck I was doing wrong? It had felt like nothing was coming easy.
My daily practice includes a form of mediation, inquiry, embodied experience of the future in the present, surrender, letting go….
My forever prayer has been to ask to be used in the biggest way possible, to serve the most people with humility and grace. (I guess there is a paradox even in this sentence…for the biggest work possible may have a touch of my agenda…my ego need! Who is to say that smiling at the bus driver is not the biggest work?)
During this time of winter I said yes to any work, with gratitude. Paid or not paid…just to be able to do what I do well and to throw myself out to service, with trust. (This is not to say that trust was always present. Many times I doubted, and fear and scarcity were walking with me, even as I begged them to leave.)
Up until 1 month ago I felt that the doors to the Universe were still closed. There was no flow. I was standing outside the stream, watching it flow right by me.
“What am I doing wrong?” I beseeched to the heavens?
“And then finally…”What is this all about?”
“Endurance!” was the answer. “Oh…endurance”, I said. I know endurance well. I have spent the last 15 years of my life in the daily practice of endurance sport. And I seem to have a natural talent for it. So I wrote the article on Endurance.
And at about the same time, doors started to open. Something shifted. I was back in the flow. I do believe that this was not about where my mind was, but rather that this timing, what is called Kairos time. Heavenly time. Its the timing stuff we need to surrender to.
Retrospection is a wonderful thing. It makes the paradoxical and irrational and unreasonable make some form of sense. I am someone who likes to make sense of things. Most of us like to have some idea of just where we are on the map. Which way is north. During these past months, my compass was working as if I were living at one of the poles, north was everywhere and anywhere. Unfixed. Moved with every step. Very discombobulating.
And such great training too, as the qualities I believe we need to get us through the current times include the ability to throw all the cards in the air and have them stay in the air. To be comfortable in the most uncomfortable of places, uncertainty. Phew, what a practice is this one, especially for an orderly Virgoan.
Kairos time kicked in and doors I had been knocking on for years, seem to be opening.
Of course! It could only be this way. We don’t need faith and trust when the bounty of life overflows on our lap. Its when the cupboards are bare and there is no sign of spring that faith is required. And always, through good and bad, practice and self discipline. (disciple unto the self) are required.
For years I have been working away, building my skills. Always learning, doing the inner work. Never shirking. I have made many mistakes, the biggest of which has to get caught up in other peoples journeys and compare them to mine, making mine wrong or less than theirs. So strange really, because in my sport I gave that silly little practice up long ago. Decided that the only race I had any control over was my own..so I might as well focus on that. And that my race would go just as it does on the day. Some days spectacular, some days average and some days frankly hard from the first step. That the mind component is only a part of the equation, all be it a significant part. The prework and training, experience, self care all contribute. And that there is this other mysterious piece, over which we have no control. This thing I call Kairos time. Not a moment too soon, not a moment too late. That I do believe there is some divine music playing that knows intrinsically when the melody peaks to crescendo, or falls into long spaces and darkness.
Listening to Caroline Myss over the weekend, she said in in another way. We have to have done our time before we have the right to teach and work in the realm of the mystics.
I have done my time. I know it now. I did not know it a month ago. I was still in my wanting mind, comparing myself to others, doubting self and the divine order. Finally, I let go. For of course that was what was needed. To really let go and let God. To longer need, or want, to be OK with who I am, just as I am OK with my running ability.
And of course, as Kairos time would have it, the doors then opened. I can see God laughing at the paradox of it all. How else would I learn trust, patience, endurance and surrender? It is so perfect it can only be funny.
Lets drink to Kairos time….