Archive for June, 2009

The Archetype of the Strong Single Woman

Friday, June 26th, 2009

Often I have wondered why I am still single as I approach my half century. I’ll admit that the older I get the less I worry about the why and the more I observe my single state with fascination. I do not have any peculiar habits (other than running long distances quite regularly), I am smart, independent, successful, happy, reasonably attractive.

This morning, driving in the dark to one of those long runs, it hit me. My life has been about learning to trust the masculine principle of God. To surrender myself to this. Ok, for those of you about to hit the delete button, let me try to explain this.

I do believe in the principle of Synergy. That 1 plus 1 in the right conditions equals at least 5, or 10 or 100… Take two people in Synergy and they create a result by their being together that far outweighs how much they could achieve or be as individuals. Synergy is the mystery of alchemy. We never know what we are going to get, and when we get much more than the single identities when taken on their own, we have great Synergy. A partnership without Synergy working would be quite pointless, business or personal. We have to be greater with the addition of the other, or lets not play.

I also understand the male female polarities. Inherent in our intrinsic design is this singularity that comes from the duality of a man and woman together. The Yin and Yang. (In same sex partnership, one partner usually carries the masculine and the other the feminine.)

I experience the creative force of the Universe, the all present intelligence as a more masculine force. I see the expression of this creativity in nature as the feminine. Father God, Mother Earth. Not separate, not one before the other, but both and.

As a female, and a Positive Deviant finding her way in the Brave New World, I, and many women like me, have a job to do. And that is to forge the pathways for a new way to be in relationship in the world. Indeed, we have to forge a pathway about how to be a woman in the Brave New World. Our old models, such as marriage, are no longer viable. Neither is this about being the divine feminine. We are all divine on some stage in the greater scheme of things, and all of us need to embrace that divinity, male and female. On some level, this new pathway transcends the masculine and feminine.

Implied in marriage even today when the statistics are so obviously pointing in the other direction, is a belief in forever. Partners for life! In my recent article, Forever Beta, I raise the possibility of us needing to embrace the model of forever beta in all aspects of our life. That we are constantly unfolding, and the more aware we are, the more open to learning we are, the faster we unfold.

To imagine two people unfolding at the same speed, and in the same direction, for 20-30-40 years is quite the jackpot.

Anyone who thinks we can come together as two people and stay together for a lifetime is struggling with some serious illusions. I am not saying it is impossible, I am saying it is a rare exception. A bit like winning the lottery. Certainly put it on your list of things to do if it means that much to you, and recognise that you may also be wise to surrender your attachment or need to have this kind of relationship, otherwise you may end up spending a lifetime being disappointed. Far better to stay present with daily relationship and give up any forever. Concentrate on navigating today. Enjoy the day, love the moment, be happy with now. It takes serious work to do just this, yet alone create a relationship that lasts forever.

Also implied in marriage is the role dynamic of wife and husband. Again these are old archetypes. The current and future world is challenging the heck out of them. We simply must find new ways to support each other in partnership that has a dynamic element to it.

In regards to raising children, maybe if we considered at the outset, prior to the birth of any children, there is a high possibility that we will not be together for the full time of their childhood, we would have different levels of dialogue before we choose children. We may look at our financial models, our housing and domestic arrangements with a different light. The subject of children makes these new models more tricky, and I am not sure what the solution will look like. I do know that we must consider a transition model that includes exploring the eventualities of the partnership not staying in a marriage or cohabiting form.

So here am I and other mature single women around the world coming to terms with singularity. I know during my time as a solo parent that I have had to learn to trust divine intelligence. To let go. To breath when fear had stopped me from remembering how to breath. This has not been easy. I still work at it. It occurred to me that this surrender and trust has been me learning to relax my feminine into the masculine of God. That my path was not to find a man to do this with as is the norm. My path has been to surrender to the divine. On the very biggest plane, who knows why? I suspect at some point I will look back and say to myself…oh…I get it…and the mystery will be revealed.

I also know that I seek union and connection with ultimate Love. I am clear now that I am not only after the love that comes between a man and a woman, for I have learned through experience of the transience nature of this love. I have hungered, like I believe at a soul level we all hunger, for the union with the divine. The eternal union, the one that the great poets and mystics write about in ecstasy.

As Rumi writes..

There is some kiss
we want
with the whole
of our lives…

I have longed for this union. So of course I stay single because nothing else so far measures. I seek something that no mortal can provide. Yet I also suspect that one pathway to the divine is through human love. I glimpse this in the love I have for my daughter, and for my dog.

Again as Rumi says

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you,
not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere
they’re in each other all along…

I wonder if the archetypal pattern of this union between the human and the immortal/divine is why books such as Twilight have so entranced our society..

So I walk the difficult path, and we cut new ground. One of my archetypes is the pioneer, and as Meg Wheatley said, its lonely getting to the future first. That is not to say others have not broken the rules and gone before. Many women over the centuries have indeed gone before. Some of them saints and mystics, others regular women like me.

Our job, while still largely to be revealed, is to lay down tracks for new pathways of relationships. We hold the space that allows the old model to crack. There is nothing wrong with us. We simply cannot fit the old model of marriage and wife.

Most men find us somewhat intimidating because we  do not need them to fulfill the old roles. So in our process we are supporting the creation of a new way for men to be in the world and in partnership. We all get to explore the multiple options and possibilities that are available the moment we take the old sacred cows like marriage off the table.

Would I like my life to be different? Sometimes. It can get lonely, and it is certainly not easy. Neither is being married! Would I like a male partner? Yes. And I do not discount the possibility of this happening. I would suspect that if it does, it will be a wise and mature relationship, where there is a comfort with most of our old stereotypes being abolished or simply not present. And where neither of us doubts that we are together to find greater depth and connection to the divine through the expression of our love. Or even more simply, to share great experiences, laugh a lot, be besties together…without the rigid expectations of our collective relationship history.

I’ll keep you posted..

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The Principle of Exchange -Creating a Win Win Win in all relationships

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

When the Principle of Exchange is working well, all parties feel valued. No one feels that they are giving more, working harder, spending more time, not being appreciated. The relationships are void of any form of resentment.

To understand the Principle of Exchange, we must first be mindful of dynamic equilibrium. Equilibrium occurs when all acting influences are cancelled by others, resulting in a stable, balanced or unchanging system. Equilibrium is not inactivity, but rather dynamic balance.
Nature exhibits a dynamic drive towards equilibrium. For example, if you enter a warm room in winter, allowing some of the outside cold air in as you enter, that cold air will quickly equalise to a mean temperature, rather than stay as a pocket of cold air.
Similarly, we as humans, seek a dynamic equilibrium in our work and life, through the exchange of value.

Value however, is a very individual thing. Our traditional currency for value is money. I buy a loaf of bread, and I will pay anywhere from a few dollars to $6 plus. If I am starving, and there is only one loaf to be had, I could pay more for it and still consider that I have been receiving fair value for my money/exchange. The Principle of Exchange applies.

There are many other forms of currency. I may have lots of time. Time therefore has less value to me. You, on the other hand, are really busy, and have little available time. Time becomes of high value to you, for which you will willingly pay a premium.

Or.. I may get vital needs met by taking care of someone or people. The caretaker role could allow me to feel loved, needed or important. Therefore I spend time willingly as a caretaker, receiving my value exchange in the process.

You may be a creative, and love to work with people on new ideas. Time spent in this domain, which is not part of your paid work, could really nourish your soul, and therefore give you such value that you are happy to do this for free or a small fee.

However, if the value equilibrium if broken, if the forces of give and take are not balanced, then a situation occurs where there is an experience on one or both sides of the values exchange where there is more give, less take, or more take, less give. This situation is unsustainable in the long term, both at the micro level, which occurs between two or more people, and at the macro level, which we are facing in our crisis of global warming. (This is a more complex discussion on the principle of values exchange, beyond the scope of this article. In simple terms, we have been, as a human race, taking far more value than we have been giving back, in respect to the earth/gaia/the environment)

For the purpose of this article, we shall look at this through the lens of two people. If one person becomes aware that their value exchange is no longer in place, they will experience resentment. Initially, this is a mild form of resentment, however, as the situation continues, the resentment will build and has the potential to become explosive/destructive. The Principle of Exchange is broken.

Simple case example, I give of my time in a work situation, for which I am paid an agreed salary. My manager keeps asking me to do more and more tasks, take on more and more responsibility, with out any increase in salary. For some people, this situation would be acceptable. They may be getting their needs met – needs to feel important, to make a contribution, to be a vital team player etc. However, another person who has a high need for family and home life will fairly quickly experience a loss of equilibrium, and will start to feel resentment on an escalating scale.

As leaders and managers, it is crucial that we understand this Principle of Exchange and be constantly monitoring its status. Any signs of resentment towards the company, or towards the manager is a likely red flag that the Principle of Exchange needs to be brought back into equilibrium. This would require a Dare to Care conversation. (or see Conscious Communication on the Positive Deviant site)

As business owners and people in relationship to other people, it is very important that we understand the Principle of Exchange, and apply it, regularly monitoring the values equilibrium of the people around you. Is resentment present? If so, the values equilibrium may be out of whack.

In all of our relationships at Syzergy, we work with conscious intent to ensure that the values equilibrium is maintained and the Principle of Exchange is healthy. We do this by introducing the conversation in very clear terms at the front end of the relationship, ensuring that each party is clear on their role, what is expected of them, and what will be their values exchange. We also request that if the other parties ever feel like the values exchange is moving out of equilibrium, they speak up. This doesn’t mean we take our eye off the ball and step over any sign of resentment. We will revisit the values exchange conversation regularly to be sure all parties are within equilibrium. This is a critical key. Many people will have this conversation at the beginning of a relationship, and then fail to revisit it regularly enough. Often people are happy to be overly generous at the start of a relationship, but if they do not get some form of exchange, such as respect, acknowledgement, payment, or genuine appreciation, at some point they will begin to feel resentment.

Unfortunately our society has slipped into ever increasing levels of entitlement. The ~I deserve~ society. Or, ~I am owed~. Or, pure and simple, ~give me!~. This approach is really a “dis-ease” state, breaking the natural law of dynamic equilibrium, where the equation is strongly pitched to the take side, with almost complete neglect of the give side.

To break this cycle, which is pandemic:

Step 1.  Clean up your own act and get back into values equilibrium-ask yourself;

What am I giving?

What value am I adding? (Whether it be as a tax payer, a volunteer, a conscious recycler, an activist, a philanthropist etc.)

What do I think I deserve, and why? Is it my entitlement speaking, or my true value? (Your true value is an internal recognition that is without ego. You will know if it is ego if there is any form of demanding energy, or righteousness, or arrogance. True value is humility and acceptance. It does not need to make noise or tell anyone… Ouch…!!)

Step 2. Coach, teach and train others around you to be clear around their own Principle of Exchange.

What are their expectations?

Are you able to meet their expectations or not…you may need to negotiate?

How would they know they had experienced a win for them? What would they have, or be, or know?

What would a win win win look like? This is where they win, I win and the organisation or third part wins.

The Principle of Exchange is critical to any successful relationship. Common examples where this principle is not working…

“Why don’t you ever help me around the house?”

“I seem to do everything around here!”

“I do all the work and he gets all the accolades!”

“I seem to attract relationships where I get to work hard, make all the money and my partner hangs out having a good time, living off my work!”

Bring the Principle of Exchange into your conscious communication as a daily habit and life is sweeter.

What do you think..where have you been on the down side of exchange..or where are you now on the downside, and what are you going to do about it? Let me know.

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Kairos Time

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

(Kairos Time refers to an ancient Greek word (Kairos) meaning the right or opportune moment.)

birdsonbranch

Life is such a grand adventure. Only a month ago I was in a serious internal question about what the heck I was doing wrong? It had felt like nothing was coming easy.
My daily practice includes a form of mediation, inquiry, embodied experience of the future in the present, surrender, letting go….
My forever prayer has been to ask to be used in the biggest way possible, to serve the most people with humility and grace. (I guess there is a paradox even in this sentence…for the biggest work possible may have a touch of my agenda…my ego need! Who is to say that smiling at the bus driver is not the biggest work?)

During this time of winter I said yes to any work, with gratitude. Paid or not paid…just to be able to do what I do well and to throw myself out to service, with trust. (This is not to say that trust was always present. Many times I doubted, and fear and scarcity were walking with me, even as I begged them to leave.)

Up until 1 month ago I felt that the doors to the Universe were still closed. There was no flow. I was standing outside the stream, watching it flow right by me.

“What am I doing wrong?” I beseeched to the heavens?

“And then finally…”What is this all about?”

“Endurance!” was the answer. “Oh…endurance”, I said. I know endurance well. I have spent the last 15 years of my life in the daily practice of endurance sport. And I seem to have a natural talent for it. So I wrote the article on Endurance.

And at about the same time, doors started to open. Something shifted. I was back in the flow. I do believe that this was not about where my mind was, but rather that this timing, what is called Kairos time. Heavenly time. Its the timing stuff we need to surrender to.

Retrospection is a wonderful thing. It makes the paradoxical and irrational and unreasonable make some form of sense. I am someone who likes to make sense of things. Most of us like to have some idea of just where we are on the map. Which way is north. During these past months, my compass was working as if I were living at one of the poles, north was everywhere and anywhere. Unfixed. Moved with every step. Very discombobulating.

And such great training too, as the qualities I believe we need to get us through the current times include the ability to throw all the cards in the air and have them stay in the air. To be comfortable in the most uncomfortable of places, uncertainty. Phew, what a practice is this one, especially for an orderly Virgoan.

Kairos time kicked in and doors I had been knocking on for years, seem to be opening.

Of course! It could only be this way. We don’t need faith and trust when the bounty of life overflows on our lap. Its when the cupboards are bare and there is no sign of spring that faith is required. And always, through good and bad, practice and self discipline. (disciple unto the self) are required.

For years I have been working away, building my skills. Always learning, doing the inner work. Never shirking. I have made many mistakes, the biggest of which has to get caught up in other peoples journeys and compare them to mine, making mine wrong or less than theirs. So strange really, because in my sport I gave that silly little practice up long ago. Decided that the only race I had any control over was my own..so I might as well focus on that. And that my race would go just as it does on the day. Some days spectacular, some days average and some days frankly hard from the first step. That the mind component is only a part of the equation, all be it a significant part. The prework and training, experience, self care all contribute. And that there is this other mysterious piece, over which we have no control. This thing I call Kairos time. Not a moment too soon, not a moment too late. That I do believe there is some divine music playing that knows intrinsically when the melody peaks to crescendo, or falls into long spaces and darkness.

Listening to Caroline Myss over the weekend, she said in in another way. We have to have   done our time before we have the right to teach and work in the realm of the mystics.

I have done my time. I know it now. I did not know it a month ago. I was still in my wanting mind, comparing myself to others, doubting self and the divine order. Finally, I let go. For of course that was what was needed. To really let go and let God. To longer need, or want,  to be OK with who I am, just as I am OK with my running ability.

And of course, as Kairos time would have it, the doors then opened. I can see God laughing at the paradox of it all. How else would I learn trust, patience, endurance and surrender? It is so perfect it can only be funny.

Lets drink to Kairos time….

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