Emerge through Emergency- the words are my constant companions of late, flickering thoughts trying to chase fear away.
(The following is an extract with additions from a letter to a friend written on Saturday 22nd November 2008.)
My daughter Nat’s very last ever school function was last night and it has been a very emotional week for both of us. I am exhausted. Doing the single parent thing has been a big task for me, and I am really glad that part is over..at the same time sad for we have such a beautiful and close relationship. (Much of my emotion is because of the huge burden I have felt raising a child solo-managing a career as a self-employed person.)
My business has been very badly affected by this global burp. I have been planning for my new life for the last 6 months, doing much more virtual based work, building a powerful web presence, writing more; however, with my focus on this and the universe pushing me to let go, I have been watching in almost morbid fascination as long term clients leave, and new ones are not materialising like they always have. My bank account is getting very skinny. Terrifyingly so. Emerge though emergency ..I hear whispering in my head.
So my days seem almost manic depressive…tinges of outright fear, followed by intense action and overall optimism. Emerge though emergency. The core of me knows all is well and this is all so fabulous for me. The daily reality can be scary. I have really recognised just how solo this journey for me has felt- I look at people like you who have such great partnerships and I really wonder how nice that would be. Yet at the same time, I have known at some core place of my being, that that was not my path. My path is to find the resourcefulness within myself, to not need a man to provide for me in the physical world. To really accept fully that I can create and survive. However it is nearing time for me to be able to accept emotional support and partnership in my life. I have been reading the poems of the great mystics every day, and gasp at their ecstatic love for God. I want that, either for God, or a mortal man. Quite truthfully I would prefer it with a mortal man, because I also want the physical side. But I am not willing to settle for less. I have travelled too far for too long–now does not seem the time to compromise. I feel quite certain it is possible, because I have loved like that before. Now to have that matched in return? Wow! Dare I think it? The time is not quite right, I need to find myself apart from the person who is responsible for a child. But it is soon. Or not.
I have been getting 3-6 hrs sleep a night, most uncharacteristic for me…simply waking knowing that any attempt at further sleep is useless. I don’t feel tired. However, the good side is that I am still fit, maybe a bit skinny, and have finally admitted that I have not got a clue how to have fun. Nat of course only knows how to have fun. Work is an anathema to her. I need to re-learn how to have fun. I love my work, and feel grateful for my days of work, and…I work pretty much seven days a week, with an occasional movie thrown in.
My gleeful fun this last two weeks has been to read the Twilight series. The tragedy of it is that I have fallen in love with a vampire. Ah…the folly of being human. Sad, so sad..but true. I can only laugh!
Thursday November 27th 2008- Emerge through emergency….
During this time I have felt more awake and conscious than I have in years, if at all. It is a truthful experience of emergence through emergency. There is quite literally a birthing taking place. For a very long time I have felt asleep. Drifting. While it is quite a nice feeling, there is no tingling aliveness to it. (Even though people constantly tell me I am so energetic.)
I am also aware that I do not want to become addicted to the adrenalin rush of this experience. But the sense of urgency has been so loud..completely stimulated by the need to emerge through emergency.
A part of me is also filled with doubt. Will I be able to pull this off? Will I be able to create? Thinking about that brings in the fear. So I either return to massive action, or I find a place to surrender. Mostly I try to do both. Let go, let God, and stay in action. Emerge through emergency….
In the early days of my single parenting I can remember when the fear of survival financially was so overwhelming I had difficulty breathing, and the only way out of it was to lie naked on the floor with my arms and legs spread, the single most vulnerable physical position I could find, and breath through it. Emerge through emergency. To this day there are times that I do the same action in my mind.
I think often of my mentor and guide, and the person who inspired this blog, and coined the phrase, “emerge through emergency”, Buckminster Fuller. He set the example. I wonder if he lived in complete trust and faith, or if he doubted like I do? I feel so weak in my faith when the doubt is that strong.
My constant prayer is to be used- for my skills and gifts to be used in the most valuable way possible. Of course, in exchange I would like a really hot salary! I know that true surrender is giving any expectation up, including that!
So its back to create, create, create. And emerge through emergency.