Into the well of spiritual exhaustion

October 23rd, 2014

Into the well of spiritual exhaustion

It amazes me that I have been a guest of this world for 54 years. Like many people I speak to in my generation, we feel as vital as we did in our thirties, yet the reflection in the mirror sometimes shocks. “Who is that person!” More scary, the reflection in our many devises as we look down to send a text, or make a call.

The lesson I am learning, after all of these years…is that I am not alone. Have never been alone. Have never carried a burden on my own…that this ‘aloneness’ is the delusion.

Yesterday while I was in a deep slump…I decided to practice what Pema Chodron teaches…”Instead of asking ourselves how to find security and happiness we could ask ourselves can I touch the centre of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss and disgrace, disappointment in all of its many forms, and let it open me?”

So I did that…I went to the well of my spiritual exhaustion. Right into it…this feeling of shouldering a burden for so so long. My trying, trying, to animate my dreams, to support a world where beauty is found in all dimensions of enterprise. I went to the place where I felt abandoned by spirit. Abandoned…in despair.

And this question arose…

If spirit, soul, source are supporting me 100% right now…right at this moment…right when I feel so unsupported…if I was actually being fully supported…what would that support look like?

And the answer that arose was this…it would look exactly as it is right now. That the only way I will get that the support is there, always has been, always will be, is to go to the bottom of its ‘absence’. To see, at the bottom, that the absence is the lie.

Then this question arose…what does true partnership with Source look like…embracing the support in every moment?

It feels like this…

I was lying in my bed in the dark hours before dawn, and I let every cell in my body relax. I let my body sink…like melted butter…and I let the bed, the Universe, Source, hold me.

I felt held. Really deeply held.

Now to remember this is always available…always…

A burst of light..can hit you at anytime

October 22nd, 2014

A burst of light..can hit you at any time

A burst of light…can hit you at any time.

After a wonderful rich conversation with Cindy Wigglesworth today on the subject of her life work, Spiritual Intelligence, she defines spiritual as the innate human need to be connected with something larger than self.

It is hard to look at the daily, generative, consistent rising of the sun, in all its beauty, differences, colours…and not allow oneself to be connected to something larger than self.

As I am going through my own ‘meltdown in the crucible of life’ moment, I am reminded, as we learn through lived experience, that life changes in but a moment. The burst of light can indeed hit us at any time.

The question becomes…who is running the show? Is it my ego…or the part of me that is all wise and deeply connected to Source?

How easy it is to forget our always present connection to Source.

Once again…I let light remind me. In gratitude…in humility…

For in the next breath, or maybe the one after that…or even after that…comes the miracle….

October 21st, 2014

 For in the next breath, or maybe the one after that…or even after that…comes the miracle….

 For in the next breath, or maybe the one after that…or even after that…comes the miracle….

Most people know the feeling of nothingness after you have poured your heart and soul into something and it hasn’t worked out.

But here is the rub…it is not that it hasn’t worked out…it is that it hasn’t worked out as expected.

As expected…

Life rarely works out as expected.

On this morn I sit with this dark cloud over my soul…exhaustion from effort at ‘trying’ to make something work.

For well over 45 minutes after the time of the sun rise there was no sign of light. The cloud cover was too thick.

But then this. Magnificent. Break in the clouds.

The light is always there…..I must keep reminding myself…always…even when it is very dark…

The clouds are my teachers…in their obscuring the light they remind me to stop pushing, stop trying, let the effort go… let the light in…

For in the next breath, or maybe the one after that…or even after that…comes the miracle….

The arc of my next evolution

October 14th, 2014

The arc of my next evolution

The arc of my next evolution

On this morn I was fighting inner demons. Old stories of failure, hardship, of being alone in the world. It seemed fitting that the sky was a story of greys.

Yet I found beauty here, in the drizzle. The drama of the greys.

And from the other side of the world a voice came…reminding me that all was not lost. That it was time to create a new strategy. To focus. Get into action. To not have the story and the existing reality ruin me.

I was also reminded, through a voice in my head, courtesy of a podcast, that the luminaries of our recent past, Nelson Mandela and Viktor Frankl, managed to find meaning and purpose in the harshest of all conditions. They did not let the exterior world define them. They defined their world from the inside out.

I know what I am to do, what my life is about. I did not choose an easy path. But I did choose the path. I chose the path.

Now, will I love walking it, no matter what? This is the arc of my next evolution.

A touch of Grace

September 30th, 2014

A touch of Grace

Grace meets you right where it finds you, but it does not leave you where it found you. Anne Lamont

The thing about despair is that the moment we open ourselves to receiving Grace, Grace will find us.

That may be as simple as the sunrise. Or a chat with a seagull. It may be the impulse to get out of bed this morn, when only 4 hours of sleep has been had, because something tells me to be at the beach for the sunrise. (It was worth it, don’t you think?)

It can be a smile from a stranger, the person offering to carry your bags…or the man at the airport asking if you are OK.

Grace doesn’t ask questions of you, or have an agenda. It simply is. It is not put off by our very bad mood, or our dangerous ways. It will not judge you for the colour of your skin, the state of your dress.. or your mind.

Grace is..

And after it has touched us, we are not the same. Grace cannot leave us as we are when it found us…

Humans, life…is made…emerges…one touch of Grace at a time.





Too much light

September 28th, 2014

Too much light

Too much light

The beauty of this photo is that the sun is hidden behind the clouds. The moment it rises above the clouds the definition and dimension of the clouds will be lost.

As the observer of many dawns, I see the patterns of the clouds on the dawn horizon. Each day unique. Occasionally absent.

Several hours into the day if I look closely I might still be able to discern the same clouds. Yet their features have been diminished by the brilliance of the sun.

Sometimes we have too much light. The light from the sun can make us appear pale. Even washed out. The brilliance of another’s light might make us feel dull in our own. Of course, neither of these things are true, just as I know those dawn clouds are still there washed out by the brilliance of the sun.

Beauty lives in all the dimensions, from blinding light to shadows.

However it is in the contrast we get a story worth living. The contours and dimensions, the highs and lows…

Yet so often we make that contrast the focus of wrong. Black or white, young and old…

In my older years I am able to both celebrate youth and embrace wisdom. And sometimes I might know that on some dimension, my youth and my older self all exist simultaneously, that time itself is a story, just as the contrasts and contours are.

For now I have a deeper respect for the clouds.




To be golden

August 26th, 2014

to be golden

Golden…this is what I feel when I look at this scene. There is a richness to natures gold that has allured human beings through out our history.

Is this attraction learned, or would a very young child reach for the golden object over all others?

To feel golden…to feel as if our own inner light shines golden on others…radiating them with our golden warmth..this is a feeling I desire.

It is not a flashy diamond type light, but a warmth that invites connection.

I wonder at the day that delivered this golden morning. So different from all the others.

My light shines golden some days, blue others, grey on others…this is what it is to be human. Always the same, like the ever present ocean and the always dawning sun, and yet always so different.

May your light today be golden. And if not…then let it be fully blue..or fully grey. There is beauty found in all.

I invite comments here.

Practice daydreaming

August 16th, 2014

Practice daydreaming

Today I spent some time at the beach. My brain was full from a busy few days of travel and meetings. It was time to not think, not do, not try, not create…to simply be present.

The beach is made for day dreaming. Our thoughts seem to flow like the waves, there..then gone…there..then gone. Drifting from one wave to the next. No effort.

To wander the landscape of our interior with no set agenda, no purpose…is a gift of healing. Some may say that day dreaming and not doing are wasted time.

Most know that this is sacred time. The frazzled nerve endings are restored, synapses allowed to rest..and in that place of calm, the connections we have been seeking are made.

The answer to a question…there. Just like that. No effort.

Effort is overrated. Our brilliance always arrives with ease.

Practice daydreaming.

I invite comments here.

Life is flow. Life is change. That can be uncomfortable. So was learning to walk. Get over it.

August 11th, 2014

Life is flow. Life is change

Sometimes our view is from above..and sometimes from the ground. In our dreams we may even have a view from below.

Each time we seek to change our view new truths are revealed. Yet we must have eyes to see.

One of the qualities I like most about myself is the ability to stay in the question knowing that there is an answer. Knowing that I might need to be willing to change my view, my perspective, in order to have eyes that can see.

We either take the stance of openness, or we are arrested but possibility remains, or we are closed.

The heart break of humanity is when people, communities, governments and nations are closed.

I try to practice pushing into the places that are closed. They live in the world of the absolute. Never, Can’t, won’t. These are the signals that I have shut myself off from life and flow.

Life is flow. Life is change. That can be uncomfortable. So was learning to walk. Get over it.

I invite comments here.

We are nature

August 8th, 2014

We are nature

Nature brings us back to self. Or perhaps by being in nature we are reminded that we are nature.

It is so easy for us to slip into the separate perspective…I… separate from you..nature. I have dominion. I am smarter, better, faster…


It only takes a storm or earthquake for us to be humbled as to who exactly has dominion.

Nature knows. It has known for way longer than we humans have walked earth.

The sun is there, reliable, every day. The light from that sun is what keeps us alive. Period.

Take us humans off the earth and nature will thrive far better than with us on it. But take away the bee’s, and we will perish.

We are nothing without nature. Nothing without beauty.

How easily we forget.

I invite comments here.